[an error occurred while processing this directive]
April 27, 2007
Yes, the name of our God is holy throughout all the generations, and God continues to extend mercy to the people God has chosen! Sometimes I have questioned why God has done certain things. I questioned my calling and if God had the right person for the job.
You see, since I was young I have had an interesting life. I was born into a land of turmoil and somehow I was able to survive when I was placed in the river. I ended up growing up in the house of Pharaoh, until one day I saw injustice and made a decision that made me flee for my life. In my new home I made a life for myself and my family. I was a shepherd and tended to the sheep, a vital job in my new homeland. I thought I knew what the rest of my life would look like. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I was happy and sometimes perhaps even content. But one day in the wilderness, one day listening for and to our God changed everything. You see I was out in the wilderness tending the flock when I saw a strange sight. There was a bush engulfed in flames but yet the bush was not being consumed. And out of the bush came “Moses, Moses.” Do you know that power of hearing your name called by one you love? When someone you loves calls you by name, you can almost instantly know who it is that is calling. Your name is important, and shows that the other person knows you. The one in the bush did not yell, hey you, but instead, it called for me, Moses, Moses. As I heard my name, I knew I was standing in the presence of God, and I responded Hineni, (hi-Nay-nee) Behold me, here I am. And God told me I was standing on holy ground and so I removed my sandals. God went on to tell me that God has seen a need for someone to come and lead God’s people out of slavery in Egypt, and God was here to call me.
When you think of a calling, you also then think of a response. Well that day in the wilderness I had plenty of responses. First, I asked God, who I am that I should be the one to go? God you don’t understand I have a plan for my life, I have dreams of what I want to do, who I am to answer to this calling? God what will my family think? What will my faith community say? Will those I love also affirm this calling? God there are too many doubts and questions, God who am I that I should go? But God responded that God would be with me every step of the way. But even that was not enough.
But God, suppose I to go and I do say that I have been called here, but who do I say sent me? God I can’t give up everything to go, and God you cannot be asking me to lay everything aside to follow you. God I am scared of the unknown, I am scared of what I will discover when I arrive there, what if I can’t handle it? God, who are you, and who am I? God responded for me to be on my way, to believe in God, and God will intervene as I am who I am. But even then, it wasn’t enough, the doubts, the fears, the hesitations, consumed me.
So I offered another excuse, God what if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they mock my calling? What if others say I haven’t been called? God, what if I’m not hearing you correctly? God how I will it affect my family, my spouse, my children, my friends, God, how it will affect me? God the risk is just too great, what if my voice doesn’t matter?
You know, even in the midst of our doubts, excuses, complaining, and deep intense fear of the unknown without us and within us, God is faithful and persistent. God’s calling was not wrong, nor at the wrong time. God gave me reassurance that day in the wilderness through three signs, that indeed I was being called. But yet maybe you understand all too well, that was still not enough.
So I reminded God, rather forcefully that I am not eloquent in speech, I stutter and stammer. When I was younger I had to go to speech therapist and yet God you’re calling me to speak? God I’m not academic enough? Oh God, I have written a paper in twenty years? You are calling me? Do I need to remind you of all my faults and shortcomings? God, I’m not adequate for the job, for this calling.
But yet God rather forcefully reminded me, Moses, who gave you your mouth? Who equipped with your unique gifts? Moses, have faith that I who has called, will continue to be with you. I am not calling you just to abandon I am only asking that you be obedient and faithful. But yet I still doubted.
My Lord, please, please send someone else. I don’t think I can handle the change, the commitment, the responsibility, I just don’t know.
God reassured me once again that God would not leave me, and that to help me to see that my brother Aaron would be sent along the way for me. Isn’t it comforting that our calling is not something we have to always do alone? But instead God brings up a community of people to support and journey with us. Moses, Moses, I am calling you. God has called you.
Lord, here I am, send me! Lord, hineni na, please behold me, hineni, here I am. I will go, even though I don’t understand, even though I still have doubts and questions, hineni, here I am, I will go, here my God I am.