Gringo Christmas Music

clodie head2¡Hola once again, EMU amigos! I am so happy to see you all, to sniff and to lick you! Winter break was so disappointing…mucho frío — cold — and nobody to startle, to jump upon and to play with. Even the squeakers were not out in the snow, so that there was nothing to chase! But worse than the cold and the lonely passing of the so-called apocalypse — I knew those chico Mayans were no good at math — was the incessant holiday music. Did you notice it this year?

I don’t mean to complain, and it never does any good when I do. (By the way, I have learned that the best way to toilet-train a human is to pee in his lap when he ignores your complaints.) But seriously: why do you gringos torture yourselves with the same few terrible “holiday tunes” over and over again? Everywhere I go in this beautiful country between mid-November and the second day of January, there it is: Jingle Bells (ay!); chestnuts roasting in open fires that are probably illegal (yow!); Reindeer named after Nazis. Karl Marx in a strange red suit. What in the name of Santa Maria dela Tijuana is wrong with you gringos?

In the land of Chihuahuas (the state of Chihuahua, actually), the public music is either high-quality mariachis or drug smugglers’ car stereos, both of which are preferable, in my opinion, to gringo capitalist propaganda songs that are repeated on a continuous loop for almost 10% of your life.

In fact, amigos, I would rather listen to a dozen ganglords shooting it out with los federales than be forced to listen to some long-dead gringo whine about his mommy kissing Santa Claus. Perhaps Señor Bing Crosby should have hired a psychoanalyst instead of repeatedly telling the world about his mommy issues. At least when he was stuck in the army at Fort Hood over the holidays, Elvis had a legit complaint.

And what is all this about your WHITE Christmas? Why’s your ideal Christmas gotta be WHITE, huh? 1957 suburbia wasn’t WHITE enough already? Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream of EQUALITY, and we only listen to that ONE DAY out of the year.

I may be a dog, but at least I can see what is going on in the land of perpetual shopping you call “the greatest nation in the history of the world.” At the end of a year of constant, tedious, mind-numbing and back-breaking labor for which you are paid next to nothing you humans are bombarded with this loco sonic propaganda designed to rob you of the little you managed to save (On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me — a pink Snuggy®, $7.99 at Walmart, get yours today!).

You know, in dog years, 6 weeks of incessant corporate holiday tunes is a lifetime. Holy Guacamole! I’m so glad the shopping season is over! Needless to say, I’m glad to be back with the Mennos who know a thing or two about REAL holiday music. Gracias, EMU, gracias.

Clodie M. Knappenberger is the EMU wind ensemble mascot, and is considering joining the Zapatista Insurgency because they have short workweeks and they never listen to corporate musak.

-Clodie Knappenberger, Staff Writer

Categories: Opinion

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